So, I quit my BeachBody journey. Well, not exactly. I am still loving on their work outs and following their nutrition. I just quit the coaching side of things. Truth be told, I think I just got overwhelmed and questioned myself. It didn't quite feel like the best fit for me. I won't lie, it was a pretty big bummer because it felt like such a good outlet to reach for something more and to help people and to feel like I was making a difference. Anyway, I am still working out every day and taking care of myself, i'm still participating in the groups and I'm still working on my personal development every day which is something that is highly encouraged in the groups I am in. I still love what BeachBody has done for my life.
It's amazing what lessons I have had to learn as a full grown adult. I don't know why I had the assumption that becoming an adult, becoming a mom of my own children would mean that I had it all figured out. It's been a crazy journey learning how to love myself again, how to give myself grace, how to keep myself motivated and how to keep focused on my priorities. I'm so grateful for it though.
Before I started working on myself, I was really struggling with my depression and anxiety. I was honestly suicidal and feared to be by myself. I don't think I would have acted on it, but it's not a good feeling when you want to erase your own existence off the earth. When feeling nothing is better than feeling terrible, isolated and not good enough on a daily basis. I know it may seem selfish and crazy that I could feel that way when I have my beautiful family but depression and anxiety isn't logical and it doesn't feel gratitude or notice all the things that are going right.
Depression tells me that my kids will grow up better off without a mother who is so messed up. Depression tells me that because I can't be perfect for my kids all the time that I don't deserve them. Depression tells me that nobody loves or cares about me and that I am all alone. Depression tells me that nobody wants to know what I am going through, that nobody is there to help or support me. Depression tells me that I don't deserve to connect with others, that something is wrong with me. Depression tells me that when people are joking with me or giving me a hard time that they mean it. Depression whispers all these lies so that only I hear them. I'm ashamed of some of the things that I have felt and thought due to my depression.
I believe that your mindset has such a significant impact on your life that it can literally transform your brain chemistry. I know that scientifically there are differences in the brain for people that suffer from depression, but I also believe we are capable of creating physical changes in our bodies with our mindset. Let me insert a political correctness line here because I know I am toeing on the line of offensive for some and I recognize that this won't be a popular opinion: I know that depression isn't as simple as "just be happy, chin up, be positive, etc." I believe that overcoming my suicidal thoughts and depression has taken months of consistency, of maintaining daily healthy habits, of fueling my body with the proper food. And I still struggle... but at such a smaller degree. If medication works for you, this isn't a judgment from me and I'm not here to advise you what to do with your own health. We all have to take care of ourselves and how we do so when struggling with mental health is a very personal decision.
Every day I wake up way earlier than I ever thought I would and I work out and listen to personal development. I listen to it in my car on the way to work, at work when I start to feel down or overwhelmed, and when I'm at home because I know how important it is for keeping my mind in the right place. It's way too easy to slip into old negative thoughts when I have thought them for years and I literally feel like I am having to reprogram my brain all over again.
I'm consistently feeling hope, gratitude, and love on a daily basis since I started this journey. I look forward to the future and I have confidence and love for myself that almost feels child like (because what adult could possibly love themselves haha). I'm so grateful for every day that I get to learn and grow. I'm so grateful for the moments that I get to have with my girls, even the difficult ones. I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that Kyle has had this year and what it's done for our family. I'm so grateful that my girls have so much family that love them. I feel so dang lucky that I was able to stumble upon these healthier habits so that I can actually enjoy my life again. I hope this helps at least one person in the future, even if it's a simple as knowing you aren't alone. I feel like every single person deserves to actually enjoy their life, not just survive it.